Getting started as a couple

The very first step in the lifestyle does not happen at a club or a party. It happens at home, in conversation, often over a glass of wine and with more than a little nervous laughter. How you handle that conversation shapes everything that follows, so it is worth getting it right.

Talking it through

Choose a relaxed moment with no time pressure. Raise the subject as a question rather than a proposal. Something like "I read something interesting about couples who go to lifestyle events. What do you think about that?" invites a conversation instead of asking for a decision.

Listen carefully to the answer, including what is not said. Curiosity, hesitation and a firm no are all legitimate responses. If your partner is not interested, accept that graciously. Pressure, persuasion and repeated asking damage trust, and trust is the one thing the lifestyle cannot work without.

If you are both curious, keep talking over several weeks. Discuss why the idea appeals to each of you, what excites you, what worries you and what you hope to gain. Couples are often surprised to find their motivations are quite different, and that is fine, as long as you understand each other.

Agreeing your boundaries

Boundaries are the rules you set as a couple. They protect your relationship and make it easier to relax when you are out. Useful questions include:

• Are we interested in socialising only, soft swap, full swap, or are we not sure yet?
• Do we want to stay in the same room as each other?
• Are there any activities that are off limits for us, now or permanently?
• Would we meet the same people again, or keep things to one evening?
• How will we let each other know we are uncomfortable or want to leave?

Many couples agree a simple signal, such as a word or gesture, that means "let us step away and talk". Either partner can use it at any time, without needing to explain in the moment. Agree too that a boundary can only be relaxed when you are both calm and sober, never on the spur of the moment.

Taking first steps

Start gently. Reading about the lifestyle, joining a newsletter such as ours or browsing reputable community websites together lets you get a feel for things without any commitment. Some couples next visit a social event or a club on a quieter night simply to have a drink, look around and leave whenever they wish. Many venues welcome newcomers with a tour and an explanation of the house rules.

Go with the clear understanding that nothing has to happen. A first visit that ends with a drink, a dance and a lot of conversation in the taxi home is a success.

Afterwards

The conversation after any lifestyle experience is just as important as the one before it. Talk the next day about what you enjoyed, what felt awkward and whether anything needs to change. Be honest about feelings, including any jealousy, which is common and nothing to be ashamed of. Reassure each other. Adjust your boundaries if you both wish.

Moving at your own pace

Some couples settle into the lifestyle quickly. Others take months to feel ready for each new step, and some decide it is not for them after all. Every one of those outcomes is fine. The aim is not to reach any particular milestone but to enjoy something new together while keeping your relationship strong. If at any point it stops feeling good for either of you, pause, talk and put each other first.

Next: Etiquette and consent