Etiquette and consent

The lifestyle has a reputation, among those who know it, for being one of the most respectful social scenes around. That is no accident. It works because people follow a shared code of etiquette built on consent, courtesy and discretion. Whether you are new or experienced, these principles are worth keeping front of mind.

Consent comes first, always

Consent means a clear, freely given, enthusiastic yes. It applies to every person and every interaction, every time. It can be withdrawn at any moment, and withdrawal must be respected immediately and without argument.

• No means no. So does "not tonight", "maybe later", hesitation, silence or a change of body language. If you are not sure, the answer is no.
• Ask before touching. Even a hand on the arm or a kiss on the cheek should be welcome. A simple, polite question is always appropriate.
• A couple's yes needs both partners. If one half of a couple is keen and the other is not, the answer is no.
• Consent is not transferable. Agreeing to one thing is not agreeing to anything else, and agreeing once is not agreeing again.

Good venues take consent seriously and will ask anyone who ignores it to leave. If someone makes you uncomfortable, tell the staff or hosts. That is what they are there for.

Respect and good manners

A gracious "no thank you" should be met with an equally gracious "of course, enjoy your evening". Nobody owes anyone an explanation. Accept a decline with a smile and move on, and never ask the same person or couple repeatedly.

Treat everyone you meet as you would like to be treated. Be friendly, chat, buy a drink for someone if the venue allows, and do not assume that anyone at an event is there for anything more than a pleasant evening. Respect the house rules, the staff and the space itself.

Discretion is everything

Many people in the lifestyle keep it private from colleagues, friends and family. Protecting each other's privacy is a core part of the community's trust.

• Never take photographs or videos at events. Most venues ban phones in social areas for this reason.
• Use first names or nicknames. Do not ask for surnames, workplaces or addresses.
• If you recognise someone from everyday life, say nothing unless they approach you, and never mention it outside.
• Do not share details of anyone you met, online or offline.

Alcohol and judgement

A drink can help nerves, but too much clouds judgement and makes meaningful consent impossible. Someone who is visibly intoxicated cannot give consent, and good hosts will not allow them to take part. Many experienced couples set themselves a sensible limit for the evening. Some venues are not licensed and operate a bring your own drink policy; staff often look after bottles and serve them, which helps everyone pace themselves. Never use any substance to lower someone's guard. It is wrong and it is a crime.

Looking after your partner

If you are part of a couple, keep an eye on each other throughout the evening. Use your agreed signal if either of you needs a moment. Stick to the boundaries you set at home, and save any discussion about changing them for another day.

Leaving well

Thank your hosts, say goodbye to the people you have spent time with and leave quietly and discreetly. A good evening ends as respectfully as it began.

Next: Clubs, parties and events